Aubrie Mindock

Professional skier, author of "When I Saw Heaven" and "Back Up On Skis," Olympic hopeful

To Eric

To Eric,

It has been eight months since you shot yourself in front of me during one of your drunken rages. Eight months has gone by since your failed murder/suicide attempt. September 14th, 2016 will be forever burned into my memory as the night that I not only survived, but was freed from a madman. I want you to know all that has changed since you decided to bring a gun to my home.

I want to start by asking you why? Why did you bring a gun to my home? Why did you decide to shoot yourself on my doorstep? Why shoot yourself at all? I want to know why you did it but I will never know the answers because you left none. The only thing you left behind were your bloody brains splattered on my door. 

It is important for me to tell you that I still fear you, even through your death. I never understood why you never listened to me when I told you that I did not love you. Why did you stalk me? Why did you refuse to let me go? Love is not control Eric. If you love someone you let them go. You allow them to be free. I want you to know that I still fear that you will knock on my door or come into the salon while I am getting my nails done. I still fear that you will follow me to work and refuse to leave, even after being told numerous times to leave. Through your death I am still afraid of you.

You told everyone that you did not make enough money for me and that I didn't want to be with you because I am a gold digger. You never told people the truth about why I left. Your money had nothing to do with why I didn't want you. It had absolutely nothing to do with me running from you. 

I told you numerous times why I didn't love you and why I could not be with you. You knew the real reason but you decided to lie about it all. You were in complete denial that the only reason I left you was because of your drinking. Alcoholism is the reason I ran and ran fast. 

You were an extremely nasty and dangerous drunk. How many times did I tell you that? How many times did I beg you to stop drinking? I remember every single time we had the conversation about your alcohol consumption. Every single time we went out I would beg you not to get drunk. I would beg you to only have one or two but no more. You never listened, not once. 

You always blamed your drinking on me. You said that you drank because I drank. Yes, I did drink Eric. I drank with you. I will not deny that fact. The difference was I knew when to stop. There were times when I had a full drink in front of me but refused to take a sip because enough was enough. I drank to get a buzz but you drank to forget. 

I want you to know that I never cheated on you. I left you. You refused to leave me. You told people that we were still together but you were delusional. I will never understand why you wanted to be with someone who did not want to be with you. 

I did not love you. You scared me and your drinking chased me off. So what if I had a drink or two. My two drinks once in a while did not give you the right to get trashed every time we went out. 

You were very sick. I know the reason you planned to kill yourself on the 14th. You knew that my father died on the 14th but thank God you forgot the month. You killed yourself in September and my dad died two years prior in October. You were very sick to pick the 14th but I want to thank you for not choosing the 12th, my birthday. 

It also makes me sick that you chose to shoot yourself in front of me. It is ironic that you saved me from suicide, yet to mock me in a way you took your life in front of me. I know that you did that on purpose. I feel that you were saying, "I saved you but you can't save me." You knew all too well that I had a major suicide attempt two years prior to your suicide and you knew how that affected me but you still chose to take your life in front of me. 

I want you to know that I think about you all the time but I am happy. I have moved on. I've traveled and worked and I am getting married in a few months to someone I love. I love Jason and I cannot wait to walk down the isle and say my vows to him. I never felt that way about you though. 

You were not a man. Not at all. A man does not get drunk and run after a woman. A man does not cuss a woman out and threaten her family. Men do not stalk and refuse to let go. You were no where close to being a man. You were nothing but evil.

You were manipulative, nasty, drunk, smelly, cruel, evil, a scum, lazy, selfish, rude, embarrassing, psychotic, angry, creepy, disgusting, stupid, sick and a monster. You were a fake and a fraud. You acted like everyone's best friend in public and you were so kind to everyone you met face to face but behind closed doors you were a completely different person. 

I do not know what you were thinking by stalking me. Did you really think that I would come running back into your arms? Guess what? The only reason I came back to you was because I was afraid of you, not because I loved you. I was terrified of you so I kept coming back. There was no love Eric. It was all fake. I was so scared that you would make good on your threats to my family that I felt like I needed to keep tabs on you and keep you happy. 

Your happiness was not my responsibility. It was unfair for you to put such a huge burden like that on me. My father had just passed and you were only concerned about you. You literally told me to "Get over it and move on," yet you cried over your mother who had died six years prior. You still make me mad to this day about all of that. How dare you!

I do not hate you. Instead, I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that you were that desperate. There really were no other women out there for you? I really was the only one? I did not want you and you should have moved on and found someone else. You chose to kill yourself instead but you couldn't just go off somewhere and shoot yourself. You had to do it at my home. I am sorry you felt that way but I am thankful that no one else was hurt. 

In the end you lost. First you lost me then you lost your family and your life. By taking your life like that you got nothing. Did you really think that you would have gotten something out of taking your life? Suicide was not the smartest thing you have done. 

You are gone. You are dust and hardly a memory. Eventually, you will be forgotten. Eventually, your name will no longer be mentioned and you will be literally, nothing. As I look out my window and I see the wind blowing the dust around I see you, nothing but dirt. 

I do not know where you are. I know that you are either in Heaven or hell but wherever you ended up I know that you can read this. I know that you can hear conversations about you and I am glad. I am glad that you finally know the mistake you made and I hope that you realize that your problems were easy to fix. You chose the easy way out for whatever unknown reason. I hope that you are happy with your decision.