Thinking of Suicide?
It was April 20th, 2014. My grandfather had died from natural causes weeks before and my father had only months to live. I had also lost two friends between my grandfather and my fathers death and at the same time I was being severely sexually harassed. Men only saw me as a sexual object, as something to be used. I was seen only as a toy. April 20th, 2014 was the day I attempted my own suicide attempt.
I remember sitting in my car in Breckenridge, with the garage door closed. My car keys were clenched tightly in my right hand. I was shaking, like someone having a seizure. Tears were streaming down my face and my make-up went everywhere. There was no controlling my sadness and all I could thing about was myself and my own misery. My life was coming to an end and all I could think about was the relief that lie ahead.
Never, did I think about those left behind. I never once thought about how others would feel if I left. Actually, I thought they would be relived that I was gone. I thought that I had somehow destroyed my family name due to the sexual abuse that I had endured. Those men who did sexual harm to me did so much damage that I literally felt worthless. I felt like I deserved to die and that people would celebrate my death. Shame overwhelmed me as I thought about the rumors and the assaults that had unfairly been brought upon me. Was I being selfish? Yes, I was being extremely selfish.
I do not remember how I got a hold of Eric. I think it was Eric who called my phone. Somehow, I gathered the strength to answer. I remember him telling me to hang in there and that he was on his way to Breckenridge to be with me. I remember his soothing and calming words as he struggled to save my life and to keep me from killing myself. I stayed alive and I trusted in those words. I trusted that God had a plan and that God's plan was perfect. I lived.
Little did I know that September 14, 2016, was going to be Eric's suicide date. I was unable to save him, like he had saved me. That night there was no warning. Eric did not tell anyone of his plans of self harm. There were no signs of trouble and Eric's death would be a shock and struggle for everyone left behind.
Only a couple years before Eric saved me but I was unable to save him that horrific September night. That night would would turn out to be a nightmare that would not only change my life forever but everyone else who knew him as well.
I am not going to sit here and defend Eric. Eric was an abusive alcoholic. He had many struggles and he was extremely dangerous but I would never, ever wish suicide on anyone. I did not want Eric to die. I remember the police coming into my home and before they told me anything I begged for good news. I begged for Eric's life and I even asked the police officers's if they were sure that there was no pulse. I was in complete denial upon finding out about his suicide and to this day, months later, I still cry myself to sleep.
If you are thinking of suicide please think twice. I know what it is like to be on both ends. I know what it is like to want to kill yourself. I tried to take my life but I am so thankful that I lived. I also know what it is like to be on the receiving end of suicide. I know first hand the pain and destruction suicide causes. It is so incredible painful and suicide is never the answer.
Surviving my own suicide attempt has brought me many challenges and strengths. I never knew that was so strong. Upon surviving I found a strength and a new life that I never knew I had. A few days after I survived I realized that I am way stronger than anyone or anything that could possibly take my life. I am tougher than pain and I am a survivor. I am strong and I can get though some of life's most painful moments.
You are strong too. Sometimes you shine the most in your weakest moments. When you are at your worst your light shines the most. It is during your toughest times that you are truly tested and when you are tested you can only grown and become strong. Life is not easy and we are tested the most in our weakest moments. In order to succeed you must go through hell. It is when you go through hell that you become who you are supposed to be.
Going through hell is not easy. I can say that because currently, through my own suicide attempt and though Eric's suicide I have had to learn about strength. I have been tested in ways that I have never thought possible and I have overcome the impossible. There have been times where I have wondered why. There are days where I want to just stay in bed and cry and sometimes I do just that but I know that through the pain of suicide one can only grow.
Suicide is never the answer. I know that when you are at your worst and you think that things cannot ever get better that death is the only answer. I have been there. I have seen suicide first hand. I know the personal struggle. What I can say is that suicide is never the answer.
No matter what happens to you or what people say or do to you just remember that you are special. You have a purpose. Jeremiah 29:11 in the bible states, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." We will never know exactly why bad things happen to us but we can be rest assured that the good Lord has everything planned for good and for our future.
Eric's untimely suicide was not something that anyone wanted. Yes, he was abusive. He was a raging alcoholic. He was awful to me and my family but he was also the man who kept me from killing myself. Eric was also the man who ultimately saved my own life. He saved me from killing myself. He was not perfect and he did have his faults but in reality, we all have faults. None of us are perfect and we all have struggles.
Eric took his life, knowing how painful suicide would be for everyone who knew him and loved him. He ended his pain selfishly. Now, I do not believe suicide is a selfish act. Yes, Eric was selfish in taking his own life and leaving behind many with questions but we cannot treat suicide as selfish. Although the person who does the act hurts those left behind, we will never, truly, understand their personal issues because we simply are not them.
If you are considering suicide please understand that you are not alone. You are not selfish for thinking of such an act but you do not need to do so to make yourself feel better. Suicide is never the solution to your problems. It will only cause more pain and more questions and more suffering and possibly another suicide by those who you leave behind.
If you are contemplating suicide I urge you to think twice. Do you really want to not only destruct you life but to destroy everyone who ever knew you? Yes, you do have people who love you believe it or not. You do have those who will be extremely devastated by your loss. Please do not put that on those left behind. Suicide is never the answer. It will never solve the problems of your life. Suicide only complicates things.