Aubrie Mindock

Professional skier, author of "When I Saw Heaven" and "Back Up On Skis," Olympic hopeful

Recovery in Hawaii

It's been a long, tough road to recover from domestic violence. Eric's suicide left me numb and confused. Every day has been a battle to move forward. 

My mother decided to take me to Hawaii to help me recover from the trauma of Eric's suicide. In the hopes of moving forward and getting past all of this my mother brought me here to get away. 

I still wonder why. Why did he bring that gun to my home? Why did he shoot himself on my doorstep? Why did he do so much? I still want answers but I know that they will never come. 

For the first time in 8.5 months I have finally been able to somewhat relax. The investigation is over and enough time has passed for the initial trauma to pass. Finally, for the first time in 8.5 months I've had the opportunity to start clearing my mind. I am searching for clarity now. 

It was difficult to relax at first. Upon landing in Hawaii I was still severely stressed. The memories kept flooding my mind and I had a difficult time for the first few nights in Hawaii with nightmares. 

As time passes my nightmares started to vanish. I still get them and I had one last night but they have been less and less severe. I have also been able to finally start relaxing. Relaxing and letting go is not easy but for the first time I can finally say that I can somewhat relax. 

Recovering from suicide is extremely difficult. It is one of the hardest things I have had to do. Eric shot himself on my doorstep. He brought a gun to my home after I broke off our relationship and killed himself. It's been so incridably difficult and painful but I know there is hope for the future. 

If you are affected by suicide I am so sorry. I know the pain you are feeling. I know the questions you ask. I ask the same questions. All I can say is that it is not your fault. Suicide is not your fault. It is the suicidal persons fault. 

Recover at your own pace. There is no right way to recover from a suicide. Do what is right for you and take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to be okay.