Aubrie Mindock

Professional skier, author of "When I Saw Heaven" and "Back Up On Skis," Olympic hopeful

After Suicide

There use to be a time when I was happy. There was a time when I could smile. I remember being able to laugh and be carefree but those times seem to be long gone. September 14, 2016, change my life forever. I will never be able to get that night out of my mind. I will never be able to forget.

That September night was supposed to be the night of my murder. It was supposed to be the night that my mother got the pounding on her door that I had been violently killed by gun my by ex boyfriend, Eric. That september night was supposed to be the end of me but it wasn't. 

I am going to be brutally honest. Law enforcement will most likely read this and in no way do I want to underestimate the job that they do. In no way do I want to tell them that they need to change. Actually, I want to thank the police for all they do to protect us and I especially want to give thanks to the officers that responded to my cries for help that fateful night. Hopefully one day I will be able to thank them all in person. Those people who helped me and Jason out that September night will hold a special place in our hearts. The police are heroes. They will always be heroes. 

Reality is tough though. It is brutal, life changing and challenging. No one expected a suicide that September night. Me, Jay, Eric's family, nor the police expected the events of that horrific night. It was truly awful. No words can describe the pain any of us were about to face and are still facing. It was everyone's worst nightmare. The pain was and is still incredible. It struck all of us to our core and still strikes us to this day. Healing seems never ending. The nightmare is everlasting. 

Suicide is never the answer. I am going to go into details and descriptions to help not only those who have lost loved ones or who have responded to suicide but to help those who are considering suicide. I am a survivor of suicide and all I can say is that losing anyone, no matter who they are, is the most traumatic experience in the world. 

If you have lost someone to suicide I am truly sorry. I feel your pain. I am experiencing your pain as I write this. This is not the best article because of the immense pain I am experiencing at this exact moment. Just know that you are not alone. I know how you feel and I am so very sorry. We are not alone in our grief. I hope that one day you can find healing. I also hope that I can find healing too. 

If you are considering suicide please think twice. Suicide is not the answer. Sure, it might end your pain but what about your loved ones? What about those left behind? What about those who knew you? 

I can tell you right now that I did not love Eric. I wanted Eric to leave me alone. He was stalking me and threatening me and my family. He was a danger but through it all I did not want him to die. I did not want Eric to take his life. All I wanted for Eric was to move on and to find someone else to fall in love with. I wanted Eric to have that happy ending but I was not the girl to give that happy ending to him.

In no way, shape or form does anyone want you to take your life. It does not matter if that person hates your guts. They do not want you to end it. The pain that you will cause people by taking your life is endless. You think you are in pain and hurting and suffering? Think about those left behind. They will really be hurting. Trust me when I say this. Those left behind will hurt way more than you will ever hurt in your lifetime. Do you really want to cause that pain? Do you want someone else to hurt like you? Think about that for a moment.

I am serious when I speak about suicide. I am feeling pain so intense that it is unbearable but I know that one day, God will heal me. I do not know the plans God has for me or for any survivor left behind after a suicide but I trust fully in His plan. I believe in Jesus Christ and I know that His plan is perfect. If you are suffering please know that God has a very special plan for your life and that His plan is perfect. We do not know why bad things happen but we can be rest assured that Jesus has all of us taken care of. Jesus will never forget us or forsake us. No matter what your situation is, trust in Him. He is our savior. 

Suicide hurts but because of Jesus we are all saved.